Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
