She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
