I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
