My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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