I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
