some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
