You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
