What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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