I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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