She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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