Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
