Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
