i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
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after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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