So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
