Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
