You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
