Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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