she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
