Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
