I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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