A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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