what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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