Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
