so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
