Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
