You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my sisters under your porch take her home
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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