my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
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the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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