I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
