I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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