Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
