My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
