Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
