worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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