Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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