My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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