i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
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Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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