So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
