no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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