you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
