Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
