If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
