don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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