I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
