She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
