i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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