I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
