Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
