If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
