i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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