Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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