Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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