so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
