I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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