I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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